Let’s get the party started. How different is ASD perspective?

If you are throwing a party and one of your friends behaves in what I'm going to be sharing, if that raises some understanding, it's great. And if you are someone with neurodiversity and you're resonating with what I'm saying, or maybe you think that what I'm saying actually helps you to see in a different perspective, so then definitely it's worth going. So, let's crack on. The part I'm going to talk today is one that relates to an ex-employee from a company I worked before. She's retiring, she has been in the company for 40 years, and she sent me an invite, like a lot of other people, to come and celebrate. So I was really touched because I haven't been in that company for almost 10 years, and knowing that someone still thinks about me to be in that party, it was really welcoming.

So when I saw it, I thought, oh, wow, great, thank you, and I'm very honoured to hear about that. The party was quite select in terms of number of people, and not everybody in the company will be invited, let alone people who have left. So I thought, well, that's great.

And the invitation came through probably a couple of months from now. You know, someone prepared very well, had to find a venue, et cetera. I thought, great.

I put the date in my calendar, and I said, okay, I will tell you later in the... closer to that date if I can do it or not, which actually when I sent that communication was me doubting if I wanted to go or not, and I will explain more about that later on. So to start with, I put it in my calendar.

Why? Because I really wanted to honour that person. I wanted to be in that event, someone just kind of about to retire after 40 years working in the company. I wanted to be there. And part of me, I also wanted to see other people that either are in that company, and I work with them, or people that left and part ways, and it's good to gather, as I am in the wine industry and procurement, and you go around and you see a lot of people. So that was initially intent. However, I didn't say yes. And fast forward a few weeks and almost months, I did not make the decision yet. And that takes me to the part I wanted to share with you about how people with ASD sees the parties itself.

You know, there's a lot of preconception about thinking people with autism or degree of autism, ASD, or actually neurodiversity, they see parties in different ways. And for someone with ASD like myself, a party is initially quite daunting a space. I myself feel willing to talk to people that I know when I have the right space, when I have the right environment. However, there's one element that is very difficult for me, which is about the background noise or background sensations. I can have a conversation with someone, and I can really enjoy that conversation as long as it's in a quiet environment.

And yes, there might be some background noises. I'm just really concentrating myself to just really think about what I'm saying and how it's coming through. However, in a party environment, or a noisy environment, actually, when there's more people around, people with ASD hear more of the conversations as well, so it's more difficult to filter out all the conversations to the point that sometimes just because it becomes a noise, becomes something in the background that really gets into the thought.

I have been in parties in the past where I'm talking to someone, or someone is talking to me, I'm really trying to listen, and I really struggle, because I cannot hear 100% well what they are saying, plus I hear some loud music that part of my brain might be analysing if I like it, if I don't like it, if I can recognize, etc. Then I hear all the conversations around me, and it's not eavesdropping, it's just simply coming through the same way that anyone could hear it. So anyone hears different levels of volumes of conversations.

A brain can filter that out and can concentrate on just what is the main message coming from the other person, and that could be like looking at the lips or looking at the face and looking at the person in front of you. For a person with ASD, that's more difficult. First of all, we are struggling a bit more with facial messages and expressions and reading the expressions. Therefore, we rely more on the sound, or at least that's my experience. And the moment there's other sounds coming through, starts blending in a bit, and then suddenly it's like, it's such a hard work that it just really strains on the energy and the way to approach. To the point that unfortunately, and I know this has happened in the past, then the focus and the concentration fades away, and in that conversation, when there's that background noise and conversations, it just dilutes, and it's not so good.

So it's something that, for me, going to a party, I'm mindful, and it's something that I really consider, do I want to go to that party? How many people are going to be there? Is it going to be noisy? Will I be able to speak to someone on a one-to-one, or I'm going to be in a circle of people, and then no structure, and it makes me think twice. That's why I didn't commit from the beginning, saying, yep, give me a seat, and I will do it. So fast forward to yesterday, if the party was at 7 in the evening, I think it was around 3 or 4 in the afternoon, where I was like, should I go or should I not? I don't know. What's going to happen if I don't go? And I thought, well, if I don't go, I have certainty, I'm going to be with my children, I'm going to have dinner with them, with my wife, I'm going to have a quiet evening.

And then I thought, I'm going to see other people. If I have left almost ten years ago, if everybody in the company, the vast majority of people there, have joined the company after I left, I wouldn't know anyone. And I was just scared of going to the party and not seeing people. I knew there would be a handful of people in that party that worked with me, and I know them. I know that. And I also realized that by the nature of having been in the company for so long, they would also be talking to a lot of people. So how could I get that share of moment to talk? Like, it's quite a gamble. And then with the people, I don't know how I'm going to do this.

So I just thought for a while, yes, no, and eventually, I thought, okay, let's bite the bullet and let's go. So I dropped her a message and just said, well, I don't know if we have spaces, you know. There's even a waiting list, so we'll see. Then she said, well, there's someone drop out. Okay, great. So I made the payment for the food and the drinks, and say, oh, yeah, I'm coming over. And after I did that, she said, oh, actually, that has been snapped up, that space. I'm sure they're going to be able to make a space for you. Okay, all right.

So I went there hoping that even standing, I'll be able just to at least meet people and talk. So I arrived there just roughly half an hour before the party started. And this is after one hour and a half drive. When I arrived there, it was a restaurant, and they booked a whole restaurant for that, talking about 80 people. When I arrived there, it was rammed. I was like full of people already. I was thinking I would arrive a bit early, like half an hour early, so there's not many people. I can get my space, I can find my seat, I can just, you know, make sure that everything is in place.

When I arrived there, it was just like absolutely full of people, buzzing, conversations, everyone like, wow. I was lucky that at the moment I was arriving, one of the persons that had been in the company for also 40 years or so was also arriving. So I was able to just salute and have a quick talk and go inside the restaurant with him, then suddenly I had a bit of cover in the sense of not being exposed, not going and saying, okay, familiar faces. I don't see familiar faces panic what I'm going to do. I'm not so good with chit chat.

I'm not so good at talking how I'm going to do. So I had that introduction into that environment that then led to see other people. I mean, I was really touched that a lot of people just met me and say, oh, Joanne, great to see you. It has been so long. How are you doing? And then it was a chit chat that actually was kind of more welcoming and it was not like, oh, how are you? How are you doing? Well, I was good to see. I'm short, and I know I was short because I was somehow organizing the way, like, well, let's find a table.

Well, first of all, I didn't have a table. I didn't have a seat, so I had to create a seat in a table. So I scrambled the best I could. I found one place. I said, would you mind if I squeeze in between? So I found the table. The way the party went and the way the event went, it really helped me to sink in. This is something that if you're planning a party and one of the people attending has ASD, or you think about catering for new diversity. At the beginning was like sitting down, so I was able to get my bearings on who is on my left, who's on my right, talk to them, listen, just kind of like safe environment.

As I said, I was able to have conversations, listening to what they said. Gradually, it became noisy and noisier with more people talking, they put a bit of music in the background. After the first starter, because we had a couple of starters, but first I started just, people just stand up and went around to talk to other people.

I did that and I found it really working well in the sense that I was feeling comfortable. I had my foundation of people I have met. I've got into the rhythm of talking, listening, and then I was able to talk to other people and just really blend in. There were moments where I struggled to keep my concentration, because there was a lot of background noise. And what I did is just be conscious about it and get close to the person and just ask to repeat and say, I'm sorry, I can't not hear you so well. Could you repeat? People did, which gives me the lesson and gives me the perspective that it is fine to say, I can't not hear you well. Or even, as I say to someone, look, I really struggle with my hearing or my concentration when there's a lot of noise. I really want to hear what you are saying.

I just have a bit of difficulty. You think it's a bit loud, or you can go to a more quiet space. Not that there was a quiet space, but like, you know, put more in context. And that helped a lot. The time flew and I had a really fantastic time. I connected with a lot of people that I haven't seen for a long while. The party went on for a long while.

I left four, five hours later. I left simply because I had another one and a half hour drive home.

This was the article of today. Really talking about a few topics, actually, as I reflect on how the conversation went, really talking about the importance of being immediate and being present, not delaying, not looking for the perfect environment to do things, do it when the heart says, do it now.

And you know, if you have a friend with ASD, or even if you have ASD, and you look at parties with a different perspective as people with neurodiversity do, just reflect and think how other people look at it. And if you think you need a different point of view, reach out to a friend and send a check with that friend. Maybe you get a different point of view. If this article today helped you to be braver and think in a different way and look at the party and think, you know what, I have a party coming up, thought about not going, I think I'm gonna go, then I am happy.